


feels like i only go backwards

by lostin_space



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Forrest Long/Alex Manes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:21:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25156924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostin_space/pseuds/lostin_space
Summary: For the first few weeks after the whole kidnapping and Crashcon incidents, Alex had been thriving.But then he broke.
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 32
Kudos: 210
Collections: Roswell New Mexico ▶ Michael Guerin / Alex Manes





	1. Chapter 1

Michael tapped his foot against the pavement until Kyle stepped on it to make him stop.

"You need to either calm down or go home," Kyle said sternly. Michael looked up at him, entirely drained and slightly terrified Kyle would actually make him go home. "When Alex comes out, he needs everyone to be calm. Don't fake being overly happy, but don't get him anxiety to feed off of. So just... be calm."

Michael took deep, controlled breaths in response.

For the first few weeks after the whole kidnapping and Crashcon incidents, Alex had been _thriving_. He was riding a high that Michael watched from the sidelines, but that most people got a view up close. He was more active, he was more friendly, he was (according to stories that made Michael was to vomit) hypersexual, he was so high energy that it was almost jarring. Michael had seen him kiss Forrest in public and hold hands with him and tell him stories with animated hand motions. He looked so goddamn happy.

But then he broke.

Kyle had said it was pretty common for people to just pretend like things were more than fine after a tragedy. And, considering it was Alex, he had a lot of tragedy that he was ignoring. Then it just all hit him at once. He couldn't get out of bed, he was crying all the moments that he was just entirely emotionless, and he was falling into old self-destructive habits that Michael chose not to think about.

With a little persuasion, they'd gotten Alex to agree to be admitted. He needed help that they couldn't provide. They had group calls every week, all eager to see how he was doing. He always sounded so tired, but he was getting there. He was making progress to be back to normal. Or, whatever normal could possibly be for him. Normal with regular psych evaluations to adjust medications for the rest of his life.

"He's gonna be okay," Forrest said from the other side of Michael, giving him a reassuring smile, "We just need to be there for him."

To Michael, that seemed to be the biggest problem. Before all of this, the only person who was actively there for Alex was Forrest. His friends were shit. Michael was shit. They were all shit. They were all the reason Alex got so bad in the first place. None of them were there to notice when his three weeks of bliss got suspicious, to catch it before he plummeted, to talk through what happened. Forrest was too new to his life to know.

And yet Forrest was the one who cooked for him when he started to struggle to get out of bed. Forrest was the one who helped him clean his room whenever he let it go. Forrest was the one who came to them in the first place to say something was going on. No wonder Alex wanted him. He was better for him than anyone else.

Surprisingly, though, Forrest didn't blame them for being bad friends. Alex didn't even blame them. But they blamed themselves that seemed to be enough weight on their shoulders. Guilt was already painful, but when it was guilt about Alex, it made Michael feel like he was in his own personal hell.

But he was trying. He was trying to be better, to do better, because that's how he could be good to Alex. He was going to be a good friend at the very least.

"There he is," Kyle said softly, taking a deep breath before throwing on an award-winning smile. The agreement was only a couple of them would go to meet Alex at the hospital as to not overwhelm him, but they would have a more adequate welcome home lunch the next day as long as Alex was feeling up to it.

So it was just Michael, Forrest, and Kyle there to witness as a nurse held the door open for him and Alex slowly walked out, using two crutches heavily. Michael wasn't sure if he was allowed to have his crutches or his prosthetic while he was in there. He wasn't about to ask about it now.

Forrest pushed off the bench and met Alex halfway, instantly pulling him into a welcoming hug. Michael watched as Alex melted into him, letting himself be hugged even though he couldn't really hug him back without risking hitting him with his crutches. But his face smushed against Forrest's shoulder and he looked safe there, so Michael refused to be jealous. Alex was the number one priority.

Kyle and Michael stayed where they were as Forrest and Alex shared a couple of words. Forrest kissed his forehead at the end of it and took ahold of the bag holding the clothes he'd gone there with. Then Alex started coming closer and Michael could hear his blood pumping in his ears.

He was wearing baggy clothes from head to toe, but he still seemed thinner than when he last saw him. His hair had grown out a little more, shaggy and tousled and not at all neatly combed as he had it before he got taken by his own brother. He had dark circles around his pretty eyes and he moved slow, but he managed a smile for them as he got close.

"Hey," Kyle said, pulling him into a hug. Alex again leaned into him and smushed his face into his shoulder, keeping his crutches in his hands. "How was it?"

"Mandated therapy and med regulation were good, but everything else sucked," Alex admitted. His voice was soft and underused and Michael held his breath to keep himself in check. He said he could do that. "Was like being back in basic. Always being told what to do, always being watched. It was the worst."

"So, sounds like you're happy to be out," Kyle said, laughing softly as he let go of him.

"Yeah," Alex breathed, eyes drifting over to Michael finally, "I'm happy to be out."

Michael didn't step closer, too scared to fuck up or push any buttons. He didn't know if he was allowed to hug him or get the same smushed face kind of affection like the other two got. Michael was different. He was the one who was most at fault. He was the only one who knew exactly what happened to Alex and he didn't do shit to make sure he was okay afterward.

Maybe he really shouldn't be there.

But then Alex came towards him and wrapped his arms around his waist, leaning into him as his sole form of balance. Michael didn't even mind when the crutches slammed into his calves. Alex pressed his face into Michael's neck and breathed in deep. Michael hugged him as tight as his body would allow, bowing his head towards his shoulder.

"I missed you," Alex whispered against his skin, so soft Michael barely heard it. But he felt the words, specifically for him and reverberating through his skull. Michael squeezed him.

"I missed you too."

Tears sprung to his eyes, but he held them back. He refused to have any bad vibes for Alex to feed off of. And Alex clung to him for what felt like longer than he hugged the other two combined, just holding him and breathing him in. It didn't make sense. He didn't deserve it.

Michael walked away. He left him when he needed him most. He didn't deserve this.

"Don't cry," Alex said, just as soft as before, his fingers gently gliding up and down his spine.

"I'm trying," he admitted, blinking rapidly to try and make it stop. Alex squirmed just a little in response to his eyelashes against his skin and it made him smile. Michael gave him one last squeeze before he let him go. He had to let him go. If he held on longer, he wouldn't be able to keep from crying.

Alex regained his balance and then looked behind him at Kyle and Forrest, both of whom seemed unphased by the length of the hug.

"Please tell me you guys are going to feed me something unhealthy and greasy because I need it," Alex said, voice still soft and so sweet that it stirred laughter in them all.

"Yeah, I'll stop anywhere you want, let's go," Kyle agreed.

They made their way to the car and Forrest helped Alex into the passenger seat before he and Michael slipped into the backseat of Kyle's car. Forrest sat behind Alex and draped his arm over the side, letting Alex grab onto his hand.

The whole ride, Alex made small talk and joined in on the jokes. He seemed happy to be out and back to normal already, facade in full force. Michael wondered if he did it on purpose or if he subconsciously was too scared to look weak.

Then Michael wondered if he was the only one who noticed.

Alex ate the fast food Kyle got for him happily and they all headed towards his house. When they got there, they helped Alex inside and offered to stay with him, but he declined.

"I'll be okay," Alex said with a smile, "I'm just gonna go to bed."

Kyle and Forrest left in their respective cars and Michael got in his truck to do the same, but he couldn't even turn the engine. He got back out and knocked on the door. Alex answered it a few seconds later.

"Did you forget something?" he asked. Michael stared at him and then was once again reminded that he was supposed to be sending good vibes. He had none of those to give.

"You don't have to pretend to be fine," Michael told him, "You can be honest."

Alex stared at him for a few seconds as if reading him entirely. He probably was. Michael wouldn't be surprised.

"You can be honest too," Alex said. Michael swallowed and looked away before looking back at him, clenching and unclenching his fists.

"Why did you hug me? It was all my fault you were in there," Michael said. Alex shook his head.

"No, it wasn't. Maybe you didn't help, but you have your own problem. I'm not yours to fix and you're not mine. I learned that," Alex said, smiling and then letting it fade, "But I hugged you because I miss you and I love you and my therapist agreed that I should give you a hug. I know you can't say it back and I know... I know it's easier for you to say it to other people for some reason, but I can say it to you and that's my progress."

Michael stared at him, feeling more lost than he was before. How did he explain his reasoning? How did he fix it? How did he fix himself?

"Don't cry," Alex said again, still soft and sweet and not a trace of pity. But hot tears of frustration and anger and months of feeling worthless poured down his cheeks before he could stop them.

"God, I'm so shitty. I'm horrible. I don't deserve your love."

"I know you don't mean it, but that's a manipulation tactic."

Michael laughed through his tears, sniffling before a whine involuntarily emitted from his throat and he felt like crumpling. He needed to go home. He needed to get away from Alex. He was only going to make things worse.

But Alex's crutch hit his shin to get his attention.

"You can sit out here 'til you feel better then you can come lay with me. The way you smell helps me sleep, so it's for selfish reasons, don't get it confused," Alex said. Michael huffed another laugh.

"Okay," he agreed.

"I have to help myself and you have to help yourself. We're always gonna be toxic for each other if we don't. I got help and I'm working on it. Now it's your turn," Alex said. Michael nodded. "Okay, I'll see you in a little bit."

The door closed and Michael went and sat on one of the chairs Alex had outside. He brought his legs to his chest and bowed his head into his knees, clasping his fingers around the back of his neck.

And he let himself cry.


	2. a follow up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're healing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for skrtl on tumblr <3

Michael watched Alex through the open door of the bathroom.

As mentally drained as he felt, Alex’s bed was his sanctuary and watching him get ready from the safety of it was something too lovely to apply words too. It replaced all the bad thoughts in his mind if only for a moment.

Things between them were slow moving, but he didn’t mind. Alex was still going to therapy and Michael had decided to do the next best thing with joining AA and a queer support group. He had to hide some truths, but talking about things even in a slightly altered way helped. 

Maybe he couldn’t talk about Max dying, but he could talk about the shed. Maybe he couldn’t talk about being an alien, but he could talk about being different and having to hide. He could talk about being exposed to drugs and alcohol at a young age and using them to numb his mind to the abuse, even if he couldn’t be specific by saying acetone. He hadn’t even realized how fucked up he still was over his childhood until he had to talk about it.

Alex was proud of him though. That was nice.

Alex moved towards the bed slowly, leaning heavily on his crutches with the weight of the bullshit on his mind. Today was his first day back to work because apparently even a mental break could be swept under Uncle Sam’s stripes-and-stars rug if he needed you enough. And Alex _was_ needed.

“Show me you can handle it,” his superior had said, “And we’ll talk about a promotion.” Even Michael couldn’t deny that Major Alexander Manes had a nice ring to it.

Michael made space for Alex to fall into bed and felt a smile tug at his lips as Alex fell face forward into the pillow. His eyes dragged over Alex’s bare back and visibly saw his muscles relaxing out of sheer force of will. The dip of his back led to the hem of slightly-tattered Air Force sweats that he hadn’t even bothered to tie off beneath his leg. Cautiously, Michael reached out and tucked his hair behind his ear, revealing Alex’s eye that was peeking out from the pillow.

“Hi,” Michael said, voice hoarse for no reason. He cleared his throat and Alex shifted slightly to face him.

“Hi,” he said back, “How was your day?”

“Long.”

“Same.”

Michael ran his fingers through his hair again, trying to get his fix of feeling it because he knew he would probably be forced to get it all chopped off soon. Alex yawned, covering his mouth with the back of his hand. When his eyes watered in response, Michael wiped those not-quite tears away too.

“How was it?” Michael asked, eager to hear more. The one thing they both were having to work on was not only making sure they themselves talked, but making sure the _other_ person talked. Sometimes it seemed like poking a bear, but it was always worth it. Communication was key or some shit.

“Well, most of it was the Colonel making me follow him around all day. He basically wants to babysit me until he’s sure I can handle it or whatever,” Alex explained. Michael furrowed his eyebrows.

“But didn’t the General say you were good to go?” Michael asked. Alex rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, but there’s talk that I only passed the psych eval because he pulled some strings. Which isn’t that much of a stretch, I get it. But I’d rather not be babysat,” he said. Michael understood that more than a little.

“Tell him to fuck off.”

Alex huffed a laugh, “Guerin, he’s my superior, I can’t do that.”

“See, this is why I could never be in the military,” Michael stated. Alex shook his head.

“There’s a lot of reasons why a lot of people couldn’t or shouldn’t join the military. I mean, the whole system is fucked so that’s why we have people that shouldn’t be there, but I’m lucky. I’m in a position where my worst situation is being babysat by some white guy who thinks he’s better than me,” Alex said, shrugging slightly, “Could be worse.”

“I guess,” Michael sighed, “I just still don’t get why they want you to stick around so bad.” Alex gave him a small smile and then tapped his temple.

“Got my dad’s secrets and the General knows that,” he said softly, “There’s a good chance if I try to get out, something bad _would_ happen to make sure I keep my mouth shut.”

Michael’s stomach dropped and his body tensed. Alex had said the words so nonchalantly, but they didn’t feel nonchalant.

“Alex, that’s not funny.”

“It wasn’t a joke,” Alex huffed a laugh despite it not being funny, “Wouldn’t be the first guy to mysteriously go missing because they knew too much.”

Michael kept staring at him and tried to find the best way to explain how much destruction he would cause if that happened. It did, however, successfully distract him from his own personal stress of the day. Alex disappearing was the most terrifying thing in the world. Especially now when they were getting better. 

“Okay, throwing that topic away, I’m not being serious,” Alex said, but Michael could hear that it was nothing more than a comforting lie. Still, he let Alex scoot closer and tap him on the nose to lighten the mood. “Tell me about your day.”

“Um,” Michael said, trying to think about anything but the shitty situation Alex was stuck in, “I was talking to, uh, my sponsor at AA and she asked if I wanted to come to this all boy’s group home and talk.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, when I said that I didn’t really have a success story to tell, she said was like, ‘ _what the fuck are you talking about, you have a job and a place to live, that’s a success story’_ and, I don’t know, made me feel weird,” Michael admitted. Alex smiled.

“I don’t know her, but I like her,” he said. Michael rolled his eyes, but his smile matched Alex’s.

“Yeah, she was saying it would also probably help me because those kids get what I went through specifically,” he said, “I just feel stupid for having so many different issues that need so many specific things.”

“I get that, I felt like that too,” Alex explained, “My therapist back when I was admitted said that they tend to go hand in hand, though, which is just a shitty thing that happens. Like it’s all your life and so things are going to be intertwined and so if one big bad thing happens, there’s probably something else that’s bad that fucks you up that only happened because of the bad thing that happened before. It’s a big cycle that you have to break even if you didn’t start it.”

“So basically I’m fucked.”

“No,” Alex laughed, “We just got dealt shitty hands, but we’re not alone in it. You’re not the only person that has dealt with all of these things. Statistically impossible.”

“I’m probably the only one who dealt with all of those things while also being an alien.”

“You don’t know that either,” Alex said boldly. Michael took a deep breath and nodded.

“So what I’m hearing is you think I should go talk to those kids,” Michael said. Alex nodded with that sweet little smile.

“It’d be good for you.”

“Maybe,” Michael agreed, staring at him for a few seconds longer. He was so pretty. “Positive thing. Go.”

Alex snorted and rolled his eyes, but scooted closer because he could. They were almost nose to nose. For a moment, Michael thought about kissing him. Then he quickly threw that thought in the trash because they still had a long way to go before they did something more than just sharing a bed for comfort.

“Um,” Alex hummed, his fingers reaching out and tapping a little rhythm against Michael’s hip over the blanket, “Oh, you know what, Kyle and Forrest brought me lunch. Did you know they’re, like, weirdly good friends now? Anyway, it was from that new sushi place downtown. It was pretty good, we’ll have to go there sometime.”

“Yeah, we should,” Michael agreed even though he never really had sushi before with the exception of that one time Isobel force fed him sushi and he threw it up in the parking lot of the Wild Pony. But he would eat sushi again if Alex liked it.

“Your turn, positive thing.”

“Uh,” he said, taking a deep breath, “I don’t know. Does that one lady who comes all the time because she drives for Uber and always brings me coffee coming with coffee count?”

“Did it make you happy?”

“Yeah.”

“Then of course it counts.”

“Okay, then her.”

“Was it good coffee?” Alex prodded. Michael offered a little laugh.

“Yeah, it was good,” he said. Alex hummed sweetly, leaning in just a bit to bump their noses together which gave Michael more dopamine than he could actually comprehend. “But I think my main positive thing is right now, being with you.” Alex rolled his eyes. “I’m serious.”

“You keep complimenting me and I might start thinking you like me,” Alex teased. Michael laughed softly and just smiled at this man who he really didn’t feel like he deserved. Which, in itself, was a problem. He _did_ deserve Alex. As long as he was trying to get better and be better for him, he deserved him. Thinking he didn’t would only lead to bad things. “We need to go to sleep, I’ve gotta get up early.”

“Okay,” Michael complied, still feeling much better than he had for most of the day just being with him.

Alex moved up to kiss his forehead and Michael flicked off the lights with his telekinesis.

“Goodnight, Alex.”

“Goodnight. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Yeah,” Michael agreed, “I’ll see you in the morning.”

And, still, he pulled him close and held him until he could fall asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> also on my tumblr: spaceskam


End file.
